Fried Food

Fried food can be a great boon in times of stress.  It has a wonderfully filling and calming effect on one’s queasy stomach.  The stomach, having its own priorities, can become anxious, what with so many future hungers to worry it, so many things it can do nothing about.

Unlike with some mood altering substances, there are no legal repercussions for driving under the influence of fried foods.  In fact, many purveyors of fried food have thoughtfully provided drive-thru facilities.

At hand, of course, is the issue of job interviews, and how fried food might increase one’s chances in becoming employed.

Whether or not one is impressed by the size of their domain, one must recognize that meeting with job interviewers is no different than many other human interactions… no matter if it is a cop who has stopped you for speeding, or the RETURNS clerk at Walmart, one must be clear about who has the power and who has their hand out, begging for favors.  One must acknowledge, and visibly, the power structure as it exists, without undermining one’s own position.

The appropriate blend of humility and confidence requires practice and ought to be taught in school.  But our belief in the myth of equality is fragile, and so we avoid disturbing it with close examination or discussion.

Groveling works on occasion, but generally is perceived as weakness.  It causes many people to distance themselves, in case it may be contagious.   It is true bullies enjoy seeing people grovel, but their response is rather unpredictable.  They might reward you, but then again, they might further gratify themselves by denying you the very thing you abased yourself for, particularly if they have many applicants to choose from.

One does have to be cautious with fried food.  Quantity and timing can be crucial.  If one is completely sated, one might be filled with a sense of peace and wellbeing that can make one appear lethargic, indifferent, lacking in the drive and ambition that makes fortunes in the modern world, regardless of who actually ends up with the money.

One is advised not to go grocery shopping when one is hungry.  The logic of this requires no explanation.  Still, grocery stores stand ready to serve those who defy that logic.  They place an attractive display of candy bars, energy drinks, and celebrity-bashing magazines at the check-out, for those whose self esteem or blood sugar is low, offering near-instantaneous revitalization.

Naturally, I’m not making a direct comparison between grocery shopping and seeking employment.  When it comes to acutely low blood sugar, one quick fix is more or less as good as another.  Any negative effects are minor, so long as one doesn’t make it a habit.

On the other hand, one is expecting, or at least hoping, the job will become a habit.  Why else would one bother to fill out the absurd forms and spend so much time weaving fact and fiction together in one’s resumé?

As I said, groveling might work, but it is risky.  Despite the large influence sociopaths have had on our nation, they remain a small percentage of our population.  One is much more likely, in one’s job interview, to encounter someone more within the normal range of human neuroses.

Therefore, while it is certainly advisable to recognize that the interviewer is more important and powerful than oneself, it is also probable the interviewer will have other concerns as well, such as one’s fitness for the work and the work environment.

To be at one’s best for an interview, I recommend a moderately light meal of fried food and a single medium-sized cup of coffee, taken about an hour before the appointment.  This will put you in the zone of well-nourished confidence, without making you bloated and sluggish.  One definitely wants to appear forward-looking and eager, not contented with one’s lot, but neither frightened and desperate and hungry.

In fairness, I must mention that not all of this applies to all jobs.  Some employers are looking for hires that are merely young, reasonably healthy, poor, and have some sort of fixed address, such as their parents’ house.

In many such cases the interview is just an informal opportunity for the interviewer to get a good look at you up close.  They want to see if you have any visible physical defects or unattractive skin conditions, if you really look like you can pick up fifty pounds (as you claimed), and if you can answer a simple question or two without sounding like a lunatic or being a smart-ass.

Historically, down-trodden immigrants have landed many of those jobs, but that might be changing.  In that situation, some good old-fashioned, poverty-inspired, class-conscious subservience is your best bet, attitude-wise.  No one will care what you had for breakfast.


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